what grace said
just a girlie 20 year old college student just chatting it up about any and everything that runs through my brain. anywhere from fashion ideas to mental and spiritual health journey to hot takes to storytelling and venting. any topic that has a large influence on the collective or you on a personal level will most likely be talked about and grace said it.
what grace said
summer 2024 update, finding confidence being a sensitive soul, turned 21, bev carting spiel
self-esteem, confidence, sense of direction, rejection sensitivity, and sense of self are all aspects of my life that i struggle with. it's an ongoing journey, and this is my journey thus far lol. 2024 has been uneventful, but definitely an emotional roller coaster, but when is not when you're such a sensitive person lol.
love you guys and hope you enjoy,
grace<3
ig: gracepeni_
tiktik:gracepeni3
Hi, um, I haven't recorded in a while. Right now I can't decide. I'm also doing a video. I'm like looking at my laptop and then looking back here, but I have always had an issue recording. I used to want to do like vlogging and video content in high school and then even throughout college, but I always get scared because I end up hating the way that my mouth moves like. That sounds so weird, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. Anyways, the whole point is, I'm trying something new, so maybe I'll post the video part, maybe not. I I keep looking at the recording because I'm like looking at myself kind of trips me out a little bit. But anyways, it's been a really, really long time, guys, and I'm very excited because I've been wanting to record all summer.
Speaker 1:I've been wanting to record all summer and if you follow along the podcast, you know that I did like a big. It was like not a hard launch, that's like not even like I just promoted it. You know a little bit and like I announced on my Instagram that I'm doing it, but it didn't go over well, I guess. Um, because I didn't have any creative energy throughout the summer. I was literally just working and then would go home and then I didn't have anything to say really. I I did, but nothing that I thought people would find interesting and I couldn't get over myself and I just wasn't. I haven't really had a good sense of confidence, like all of 2024, about my strengths that I'm aware of, like I know that talking is a strength of mine, or storytelling, or whatever you want to call it, but I just didn't, I don't know. I just didn't have the confidence to put it out there and be perceived, even though, like be for real, like no one or not no one, because shout out to the people who listen, like seriously, it means the world to me, but there's not that many people that follow along. But just the idea of being perceived, I'm sure you know, perceived negatively, I should say is a big fear of mine and feeling rejected, because I do, especially because I do care about this, something that I really care about. I wouldn't want to be perceived negatively because I would. I work hard on it. Ish, work hard. In a way, I just did air quotes. Anyway.
Speaker 1:Anyways, this podcast episode, I wanted it to be just an update, I guess, since it's been so long and it seems like, because of my lack of consistency. It always ends up being an update, but who cares? They're fun, so let's get into it. I don't know where I left off last. It might have been April or March, I think it was April, probably right before I turned 21.
Speaker 1:And there's been so much that's happened in my life since then I can't remember. I think I updated you guys before about the job that I got, which was Bev carding, which has been so fun that I got, which was bev carding, which has been so fun. Um, I love that job, but I just do work a lot, hence why I haven't been posting. But it's been a great job so far. That was crazy just being 21 and like getting right into like I just bev carding, if you don't know. Basically you work on golf cars, you go in a car and you serve alcohol and make drinks, and so that was like super cool, like turning 21, getting like legally involved with alcohol and then having a job that involves that, like I don't know, it was just a really good job to get into and that's happened.
Speaker 1:I had like the most uneventful summer too. I think that's another reason why I didn't want to record because, like I genuinely did just work and go back home. Um, yeah, I didn't go on vacation. I really didn't do anything but um, as always with me, I'm an extremely emotional person, so I'm always going through some sort of like either self-discovery or emotional something not that it's bad, but you know I'm also 21, so obviously I'm gonna always be learning something about myself.
Speaker 1:But I think one of the biggest things, like I mentioned earlier, was just trying to find footing on who I am like, consistently, like. That's obviously an ongoing journey, but I think I felt like when I was like I was 19, like about to turn 20, there was like an era of my life that I literally always reference. I feel like I'm constantly referencing it. Um, and I reference it because I feel like I had a really good sense of self, in a way, the foundation that it was built on. I've come to find out and we'll talk about it, that obviously it wasn't a good foundation, but the skills that I learned to maintain my confidence and sense of self were great, so I know how to do them.
Speaker 1:But it's just rebuilding the foundation that it was on top of is the difficult part, and to feed more into that the confidence that I'm talking about is literally all-around confidence in how I perceive myself, my value of how others perceive me. I feel like at that time I had a really good understanding that how others perceive me is not within my control and I actually believe that in my core and I still believe it now. But I fully understood it and there's a lot of power in like knowing that that's not in your control and you can do things within your control to make you happy and feel confident and affirm yourself of your strengths. And I kind of lost that because I'll get into the foundation I was referring to too, the foundation I was referring to of my confidence. And, as like sucky and awful and cringy as it sounds, I feel like a lot of my confidence rooted from my social media presence in a way like I was at the time presence in a way like I was at the time, like I gave that whole lore about like my little, a very small male dominated following that I got on my Instagram and I had it sounds cringy because it was literally like originally 60k but it's decreased over the couple years but that gave me like such a false sense of confidence in myself. Um, because of that I do.
Speaker 1:I do truly feel that people treated me different when knowing that information about me and like when I say that, I mean like peers at in college and like it would change their perception to usually be what I think is quote-unquote positive. Like you know, I think it's sad, but because of that, because I was so confident that people perceived me positively, because of that I built this sort of foundation of oh, because I have this presence, that people positively perceive like I'm awesome and like I was right. I am awesome and I have cool things about me. I'm creative. I was really and like I was right. I am awesome and I have cool things about me. I'm creative. I was really confident in my creativity.
Speaker 1:People clearly enjoyed it about me and my appearance like that was, I was confident in that I had multiple affirmations of just like presence, the social media presence itself and then people, I guess, complimenting me based on that, like just constantly being affirmed in that way. So I was also confident and confident in my appearance. And then I also just built this what felt like kind of popularity, like who the fuck cares? We're in college, but I did, in my sophomore year, build a lot of friendships because I felt confident in my personality, that people would like me, because that was commonly what happened. People found me to be likable, because that was commonly what happened. People found me to be likable and again, like these are all, if you think about it, like isolated, like people liking me, thinking that I'm awesome, constantly affirming myself that I am beautiful, all those things those are all great things, but they were all rooted in the fact that it was because I thought that people respected, perceived me, and what I've come to find out through therapy is that I almost felt like I unconsciously felt like I was in control of all of it. Because it rooted for my social media that I am in full control of.
Speaker 1:I curate those photos I post, certain ways I post at certain times, like I have full control over my social media, which then, in my subconscious mind or conscious mind, would impact people's perceptions of me, and it to be positive. So it just felt like it was kind of like this false narrative of not false narrative. The narrative was actually true, Like who I was, how I can be around others. I felt like I was really fun. I was not. I have a very bad habit of self-isolation If I feel like people around me dislike me or perceive me negatively. I literally that's exactly what happened to me over summer. I felt like I quote unquote fell off literally who the fuck cares genuinely? But because of that perception of mine, I self-isolated, I didn't feel safe from people's negative perceptions of me, whether that be true or not. But yeah, so I, just I.
Speaker 1:Throughout the summer, I've completely taken a break off of Instagram. In particular, I haven't posted since, I think July and it's September 2nd now, so, or September 1st, and I feel I don't know how I feel. Actually. I think I feel good in the way that I'm finding out more about myself, who I am outside of, just like the control person who posts things to influence, like people's perceptions of me aside really do enjoy like taking photos and putting on cute fits, like and posting like that is something that I really do actually enjoy. I feel creative within it and there is a control part that I enjoy, like I'm not afraid to say that.
Speaker 1:I think there are a lot of things that when you feel in control, like that's not necessarily a bad thing, like it's only bad if you build your confidence, things like your confidence, on top of that. That's not what your confidence should be rooted in, or like your sense of self should be rooted in, um. So, yeah, I've really just been starting from the ground up on how to get back to feeling confident without it being rooted in something that's not sustainable. It's not sustainable for me to put up, or it's not sustainable to have confidence rooted in social media. It's not sustainable to have confidence rooted in social media. I mean that, let's say my, I grew some sort of platform or gained a platform. If my sense of self was rooted in that, like that, that would destroy a person genuinely like, if, if that is the only thing that fuels, like your sense of self and positive things that you say to yourself, that's really not reliable, but anyway. So I've been going back and forth with that and I think there is going to be a time, probably really soon, because I do feel like, as of recently, I've gained, literally as of like the past two weeks, especially after yesterday, I've gained a lot of confidence in my sense of self and what it could mean to like possibly be on social media doing stuff that I love, and what it could mean to like possibly be on social media doing stuff that I love and not have it tied to who I am all the time. Um, I'm just gonna offshoot from there.
Speaker 1:I had a my best friend, one of my best friends. She had a dinner party yesterday and all of my friends from school were there and people who always light me up and make me feel loved and safe, and I haven't seen them in a long time since I've lived with them. They were girlfriends from when I lived in a sorority house. I lived with them. They were girlfriends from when I lived in a sorority house. I lived with them, and while I was living in that sorority house, I had my. That was the time that I felt the most confident. So I think a huge part of it was what I just mentioned about social media and like having my confidence being rooted in my controlled perception or my controlled environment and perceptions that other people have of me. You know what I mean. Um, and I think another part of it is that I was genuinely as overwhelming as it was to live in a sorority house, though there were girls in there that constantly made me feel safe and loved and made me laugh, and it always had me in a mood. It had me happy, like, genuinely like as like, as happy, and they were motivating. These women were uplifting all the time, so I was constantly affirmed by them and I'm trying to think about what I was going to say.
Speaker 1:But it wasn't until I moved out that I realized that my environment and surroundings contribute to my motivation so much. And I'm gonna go astrology bitch on everyone, but I am a cancer rising and if you don't know what the fuck that means, cancer is the motherly like figure of all the astrological signs, um, and so if you can imagine that one of cancer's traits in general is family and their environment and basically and they're the sign of the crab, and the reason why that's all relevant is because the way that that would behave in others, especially in my rising sign, which is your personality sign, is when your environment feels safe, you'll come out of your shell and it'll continue to motivate you. And that's definitely how I felt yesterday with the people that I love and, again, like they feel like family to me when my family is right, my surroundings are right, like I feel right and lit up. And that's probably a huge reason why I'm even here, like recording right now, um, because I just have that creative and loving energy like flowing through me still. So, yeah, shout out to them.
Speaker 1:Um, but yeah, that's my whole spiel on confidence. So far, it is a work in progress, for sure. Um, I would genuinely really recommend to anybody else who's like working on that specifically it. Confidence embodies so many things and I want to get into that it. I feel like it encompasses also, um, I struggle with rejection sensitivity and obviously that's a confidence and rejection sensitivity I feel like are related, because a lot of situations that I feel rejected in, if I were confident enough in who I was, I would be able to regulate my nervous system and affirm myself that whoever said something to trigger me, it shouldn't mean anything, because I am confident in my sense of self. It doesn't imply anything about me and if that's someone's perception of me, it's not within my control and I know who I am. So if you have a strong amount of confidence in yourself, rejection sensitivity, I feel like, is less likely to consume you. And yeah, so I'm working on both of those and then also trying to live in reality. I think people who struggle with rejection sensitivity sorry, my video just cut out, but anyways I think people who struggle with rejection sensitivity also. Rejection sensitivity also sorry I completely lost my train of thought there. Um, anyways, moving forward, I've kind of I didn't have, I didn't even write up in any anything for this episode because, again, I just wanted to update you guys and then I got completely off topic and just went on that whole spiel. But it's relevant because that's the stuff that I'm currently working through. That's my update.
Speaker 1:Um, I'm trying to think of any other aspects of my life. I started school and as much as I dislike school, I think that's also another contributor why I'm here right now something and then that spirals into me feeling motivated to do things that I love and that lights me up. So I'm guess I'm really, really glad I'm back in school. Um, I'm I've been on this also just so many other things that I've dealt with, actually like emotionally and self-discovery wise, just what I truly want and I'll get into. I guess I'll leave my emotional journey and we'll enter, I I guess, career wise. Um, those two things have definitely been on the heart of my heart, of my mind, heart of my mind. No, those definitely have been weighing on my heart and my mind um a lot this summer and I decided originally halfway through summer I always planned on staying in Southern California after I graduated and having trying to get a job out here, a big girl job, whatever that meant whether that meant, hopefully, modeling and podcasting that's the ultimate dream.
Speaker 1:I would love to do that. But if I had to choose a more mundane, capitalistic um job I guess those are both capitalistic as well, but you know what I mean like nine to five or type deal, I guess I would choose um becoming an esthetician. And because my mom is an esthetician and that is something that I have always wanted to do, so I wanted to finish out college this last year and then go back to esthetician school and help my mom out with her business back up in the bay area. I thought that would be so fun to be in business with my mom and it would give me so much creative freedom with whatever else I wanted to do, and also financially helping out myself and my family would light me up so much um. But literally my adhd cannot stay on like one one fucking idea or goal at a time.
Speaker 1:But there's a kind of a beauty in that because, um, I guess I move through life a little bit quicker in a way. It stunts me in some ways, but I want to actually be an aesthetic nurse. I think that's where I'm at right now. I'm not even saying I want that, I'm just gonna say, as of the past two days, I've really wanted that and prior to coming in college, I really wanted to become a nurse for that reason, or get into a nursing program to eventually be an aesthetic nurse and do injections and Botox, I just feel like if I had to do an office type job, I would love doing that, like being in the beauty industry, beauty fashion, any of it, like I want to be there and yeah.
Speaker 1:So I feel like I've kind of been looking into nursing programs after college, doing that whole lore and deep dive and then like nursing vlogs and stuff. So yeah, I am thinking about that, which would be cool because I could still go, hopefully, into business with my mom and she could do whatever services she wanted. She's almost 50 now and hopefully I want her to retire, be able to retire. So if we go into business together, it would be a dream to inject and like do botox or facials in one room like me, my services pay for her rent and she gets to do spiritual counseling or esthetician services in the other room, because the studio that she has right now which is so fucking beautiful, by the way um, she's doing those things, but it's just hard because business has been slow, you know. But anyways, carry on. That's kind of like the most. I feel like there's so much.
Speaker 1:Actually, I'm saying that, but I didn't even say anything about my 21st birthday. Um, so we'll rewind. Those are the things that I've been thinking about, pondering about and weighing out all summer long. Um, so we'll see. Those are all TBDs, um, and in progress, but we'll get into, since this is an update, my 21st birthday I had it was kind of a wacky week.
Speaker 1:My birthday is May 23rd and, yes, before anyone says anything, I am a Gemini and I am, I don't want to say, ashamed, because there are really awesome traits about being a Gemini. However, being an air sign typically means you're. You can be a little bit insensitive, but trust me, babe, I'm probably one of the most sensitive people ever. I have a Cancer rising and a Pisces moon, like move on and a Taurus Venus and the whole nine. So I mostly only have, like I only have like one heir or two heir in my whole chart, I'm pretty sure, and one of them is my son anyways, anyways, moving on, my birthday is May 23rd, which is the week of literally all my friends graduations, um, in college. So obviously I was expecting them probably not to make it to my 21st, just because that's a huge fucking deal, like all of them are gonna be with their family graduating. Nonetheless, still kind of sad because I was like I had all the people that I wanted and needed to be there. They were there, so it's whatever's, but definitely, like for a 21st, I wanted it to go out with a bang, but and it did, trust it did. I had a great time, but that was a sad part that a lot of my older friends um couldn't make it anyways, anyways, anyways, anyways.
Speaker 1:At a countdown, which, if you don't know what that is, because apparently not a lot of people know what that is I didn't. Honestly, I didn't even know what a countdown was before college, but a countdown is literally how it is, like what it? What it says is you basically have a birthday party the night before your birth or your actual birthday and you count down to midnight of your birthday. Okay, so I had that and, um, if you go to my IG, love how I literally just shit it on social media. But if you want some reference photos for the birthday fit, it was an all gold chain dress and I loved it, and I wore some gold strappy heels, um, just to paint the vibe, and it was a wide out party. All my guests came in white and it was a grand time time again. All my besties were there, so it was a really small party. Did I want it to be big? And it did not turn out to be that way? Yes, and I was a little bit embarrassed and that was honestly the part where how I was talking about um shot in confidence, that was, yeah, that was a reference point. It was that, anyways, which again, all that matters is that you have fun in those occasions and that you have the people you love around you, which I absolutely did.
Speaker 1:So I ended up in the um rehydration center the next day. Um, yeah, I completely blacked out, completely Apparently. I was extremely cognitive, having full on conversations with everyone and I was doing my biggest one and, yeah, I, I, my friends, took videos. I mean honestly, like I was being intellectual as well, like I genuinely was bantering back and forth with everyone. So I'm kind of proud of myself because I cannot say that has been my past experiences when I've gotten that drunk. So, yeah, I guess I did it right. That's the only time I've ever ended up in the hydration center.
Speaker 1:So my, that was. My mom's birthday gift to me was to have a session at the IV center. Um, I did, in fact, revived. I woke up and could not move. So, anyways, that was my 21st and that's kind of I feel like I'm gonna come up with like certain things are gonna come back to me and I'm gonna be like, fuck, I wish I talked about it in the podcast, but I turned 21.
Speaker 1:I was living my best BevCart life over the summer. Um, it's a very girly job, for sure, and I felt very feminine. Um, yeah, I guess that's kind of it in my next episode. If I think of anything else, I will mention it, but I really can't think of anything else. My next episode if I think of anything else, I will mention it, but I really can't think of anything else.
Speaker 1:Um, I guess a last update would be how I feel like right now, and right now I feel great. Like I said, I'm back in school. The fact that I'm even recording right now is really lighting me up and I'm so excited. Just, hopefully, I hope I know I can be consistent. I just need to be consistent, lol. But um, yeah, I'm doing great right now and I love you guys. Whoever is listening, and let me know what I should do in the future, for future episode ideas, because I have different ones that pop up all the time. But I'm like I don't know, I just second-guessed myself so maybe I won't, but still leave suggestions if you can. Um, yeah, anyways, love you guys. Thank you for listening. Bye.